Welcome to Jonesville!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Jonesville, let me provide you with a brief history and education. The community was historically used for agriculture and light enterprise. Eventually it was zoned commercial, but is largely predominated by residential. It’s in a flood plain, sort of…and this makes everything a bit more challenging. Homeowners are required by law to give FEMA their first-born child in exchange for DRB approval on a fence or shed. Businesses are encouraged to build their foundations atop a flotilla of inflatable pool toys, and farmers are required to grow invasive species to plant along the riverbeds.

In a few weeks, I’ll be opening the Long Trail Community Market on the site previously inhabited by the Jonesville Country Store. In keeping with tradition I want to honor the roots of the establishment, while bringing a unique view to the project. I’ve been asked to reflect on what the future holds for the site. Here is my plan.

First, I’ll be annexing the adjacent commercial properties. When they are up to code, I’ll turn them into housing for undocumented workers. In exchange for food and shelter, they have offered to surround the entire property with a moat. Liberty Head will be furnishing our drawbridge, and they have agreed to work in giant redwood-my favorite! A few neighbors were caught gallivanting about my garden last week, molesting my raspberry bushes, so after I sic our local property owners’ champion on them (I hear she will staple a “No Trespassing” sign directly onto flesh for a small fee), I plan on hiring a group of militant lawn gnomes to patrol the grounds. The store itself will undergo a drastic transformation. I’ll be adding three more stories, the first of which will be a luxury hotel for Long Trail hikers. The cost of an overnight stay will be largely subsidized by a tax imposed on area residents, as collected by the militant lawn gnomes riding miniature snow machines. The second will features holodecks, and the third will sport an organic greenhouse. The rooftop is planned as a solar garden, helipad and revolving coffee bar. Barack Obama has authorized an economic stimulus grant for the project worth $1.8 million, but I am still accepting donations. The DRB has approved the plan, and we will begin work next week. Feel free to stop in and pick up your tax forms…you don’t want to get “gnomed” at year's end!