Thursday, October 29, 2009

Will the town please spring for a selectboard exorcism?

After reading Ken Picard's Seven Days article on Richmond's very own selectboard zealot, Mary Houle, I decided it was time again to address her directly:

Mary hun, if you don't want to be "painted as the town SOB," stop acting like one. It's a pretty simple concept. You're a smart cookie, so I'm sure you can wrap your head around it. You are guided by a deeply perverted vision of localism, manifesting in your repeat behavior of stepping out, and often over your selectboard peers to deliver messages of moral sanctimony to the community. Everyone is tired of hearing it.

You eschew the ethical guidelines of your post and in the process, alienate the community you claim to represent. You "expect honest answers," yet you are perhaps the most adept in avoiding accountability and an honest process. In your erratic rants on taxpayer dollars, budget tightening and sparing expense, you seem to have deliberately avoided owning the huge costs you have levied against the Richmond taxpayer. Some champion you are! How much time and resource have we wasted on your manic quest to ruin the reputation of our former town administrator? How is it that months after his departure you can't seem to let it go? Everyone observing this situation from the outside recognizes how absolutely dysfunctional your process is. You are fevered, and a classic villain to be sure.

As someone who refers to her peers as "Little Hitler, Marxist and crybaby," I find it beyond amusing that you can't even see the irony in your "cry wolf" response to my weblog. Cyberbullying? No darling, it's called punditry. You are an elected public official, no? Keep doing what you do-rattle your saber, raise your hackles; turn under the full moon. I'll be calling a spade a spade until the day I get buried by one. If you think the waning days of your tenure are going to be a smooth sail, think again.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Well, well, well...the "potable" adventure continues!

Nothing puts a little excitement into my Saturday like a visit from the Jonesvillain! Yes, that delightful case of the Cowans I was telling you about earlier…well, it came back on Saturday.

I had been over at the neighbor's house, prepping for flatbread and tending the fire. There were a few supplies at the homestead I still needed to grab, so I drove back with my buddy Alex. As we rounded the bend towards the store, I had one of those moments. It was like those pictures you look at and have to figure out what's wrong…what's out of place. On that afternoon it happened to be Isaac Cowan, waiting for us across the street in his menacing pick-up. I didn't think much of it on first glance. Over the past several months I had grown largely accustomed to his regular patrols-something he did to pass the time when he wasn't plotting with Mary Houle to overthrow the town government, fighting off enforcement actions or hunting around for deals on flannel button-downs…perhaps the one fall activity we have in common.

On this particular Saturday, the only thing Isaac seemed to be looking for was a fight. Perhaps it was the lack of sun…maybe the cold sheets of rain…or the biting wind-I can only speculate; but something on that Saturday had put him in the foulest of moods. The dude was out for blood, or at the very least, an excuse to ruin someone else's Saturday…why not me? The accursed neighbor, foiling his every attempt to do bad…the Roadrunner to his Wile E. Coyote! Meep Meep!

"Dan." Avoid. "Dan." Evade. "Dan! Do you have a minute?" Ok, I thought. Let's just get this over with. I have a friend with me, and I know how Isaac likes an audience. Hesitation. I sauntered over towards him at the edge of the property, hopped awkwardly up onto a slippery cement pylon teed at the edge of do-not-trespass territory. He crossed onto my property…I lost my balance and had to hop off the pylon, just as awkwardly as on the way up. Two points to Isaac. Not a good start to a dialogue with any Napoleonic character. "Dan, I'm reasonable…" RED ALERT! "You need to stop writing about me in your blog." SHIELDS UP! REVERSE THRUSTERS! FULL IMPULSE! I fought my natural urge to say something snarky, but I was secure in the knowledge that ignoring an angry person pisses them off more…two points to Dan for his double-edged disengagement strategy.

I made it to the bottom of the stairs before he let loose the salvo. "If you don't stop, I have grounds to appeal your well permit!" In retrospect, I have come to the realization that it takes a master tactician to dream up such an ingenious scheme. "Yes. Keep the boy from getting potable water. That will teach him a lesson! If he fights the appeal and wins, the E. coli will take him soon enough. If not, the chemicals leaking from my buildings will undoubtedly generate growth abnormalities. He'll be ostracized! Forced to leave!" Full disclosure: his sinister thoughts are usually voiced in my head by something resembling the progeny of Gollum from Lord of The Rings and Gilbert Gottfried…scary, no?

Ok-further divergence time. So the weblog…not only can it get you slapped with a trespass notice (if the issuing officer is politically aligned with a selectboard member…tragic career move by the way), but it can also create a well permit appeal? Hmm, can it make brownies for me? That would be really nice right about now. Really though, it sounds like a few people unable to take some accountability for their personal prejudices, and also severely lacking in a creative retaliatory process. Shall I taunt you a second time?

Sooooo…I head inside, completely flustered, forgetting entirely about my friend, who at this point is attempting to seek refuge in his car…which unfortunately for him is parked out back. When I eventually get around to peaking through the curtains, I see Isaac tormenting him through the glass, now spattered with Isaac's angry shout saliva. Yucky! I go back outside to find that Isaac has since grabbed my friend's door handle in an attempt to keep him from leaving. Lucky for Isaac, my friend is a mellow guy. He sat passively, humming 80's tunes in his head, completely ignoring Isaac until I remembered to retrieve him…at least he had the good sense to lock his doors.

So what's the fallout from this latest act of aggression towards truth, righteousness and the American way? Good question…we're waiting on a couple phone calls, but we'll get back to you as soon as they get back to us. So, as always…

Stay shiny Richmond...and read tomorrow's Seven Days! Big Wink.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Autumnal offerings from Backcountry Pizza

I got an early start at the neighbor's house this morning-fired up the outdoor oven in preparation for an evening flatbread session. A few weeks ago I rocked out a particularly excellent series of pies for my illustrator/screenprinter's wedding up at Sleepy Hollow in Huntington...the best local ingredients-fresh veggies and meats from Maple Wind Farm and cheeses from Grafton Village. The favorite that day was a beet sugar crust, which was deep purple and loaded with caramelized onions, andouille, apples, sunflower seeds, roast fingerlings, lardon, and maple smoked cheddar.

Today I'll be celebrating the autumnal offerings of Vermont. I've been playing around with some kabocha and acorn squash crusts that are complemented with maple, whole oats, cider and flekked with crushed pumpkin seeds. The presentation will be a more primitive flatbread style- slightly divergent, but certainly not a digression from my signature "backcountry" aesthetic.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Late News Breaking!

Salutations from the floodplain! We have some very exciting news to report-on Monday we received official word from the state that our project has been granted approval to drill a well! While this clears up the most significant hurtle in effecting real progress in Jonesville, we are still suffering from a nasty case of the Cowans.

Through our backchannel sources, deep within the Douglas administration, we have received confirmation that Isaac Cowan (as we long suspected) was the primary obstacle in placing the well months ago, when we initially submitted our request. Luckily, our revolutionary business model was specifically designed to adapt and thrive in the oppressed eastern territories of Richmond. As such, we have enjoyed the waning days of summer into early fall, settling comfortably into a sub-active state of sharecropping for the property owner. We've kept busy with individual side projects, epic adventures, and of course, the construction of our strategic headquarters on Mary Houle's island oasis…we'll be holding a "wild rumpus" to celebrate.

Richmond's fallow administration remains hamstrung by Houle's handful of sycophants, but concerned residents and supporters from around the region work diligently to save the town. The Chief's petition was undoubtedly a clear referendum on Houle's war crimes perpetrated against our community. It was a very well aimed and well-executed shot across the proverbial bow…don't expect any more warning shots in the weeks and months to come.

Remember folks…don't drink the Houle-ade. You'll be toes up faster than her bid for the statehouse. :-)


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Power to the pumpkin!

There are some Halloween treats in store for the Jonesville and Richmond communities. Direct from Island HQ, expect big progress and policy updates this week and next.

Your the words of my personal savior, Sarah Palin: "drill, baby, drill!"

Also, everyone has been asking to see Island HQ...well here it is...and yes, that is an air strip...heavily fortified with knotweed punji sticks, mutant milfoil, and rabid zebra mussels.

Let's see how many more trespass notices I can rack up with this post...remember, in Richmond, creativity is a CRIME! Don't believe me? Contact Mary "The Hooligan" Houle or private security contractor Sarah "I want a new review, too!" Messier.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

radio silence...

...some miss the rabble, others are relieved, and a select few are rightly frightened...fear not, the "silent" hand of the Jonesville Underground is always at work.

...stay shiny Richmond!