Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Well, well, well...the "potable" adventure continues!

Nothing puts a little excitement into my Saturday like a visit from the Jonesvillain! Yes, that delightful case of the Cowans I was telling you about earlier…well, it came back on Saturday.

I had been over at the neighbor's house, prepping for flatbread and tending the fire. There were a few supplies at the homestead I still needed to grab, so I drove back with my buddy Alex. As we rounded the bend towards the store, I had one of those moments. It was like those pictures you look at and have to figure out what's wrong…what's out of place. On that afternoon it happened to be Isaac Cowan, waiting for us across the street in his menacing pick-up. I didn't think much of it on first glance. Over the past several months I had grown largely accustomed to his regular patrols-something he did to pass the time when he wasn't plotting with Mary Houle to overthrow the town government, fighting off enforcement actions or hunting around for deals on flannel button-downs…perhaps the one fall activity we have in common.

On this particular Saturday, the only thing Isaac seemed to be looking for was a fight. Perhaps it was the lack of sun…maybe the cold sheets of rain…or the biting wind-I can only speculate; but something on that Saturday had put him in the foulest of moods. The dude was out for blood, or at the very least, an excuse to ruin someone else's Saturday…why not me? The accursed neighbor, foiling his every attempt to do bad…the Roadrunner to his Wile E. Coyote! Meep Meep!

"Dan." Avoid. "Dan." Evade. "Dan! Do you have a minute?" Ok, I thought. Let's just get this over with. I have a friend with me, and I know how Isaac likes an audience. Hesitation. I sauntered over towards him at the edge of the property, hopped awkwardly up onto a slippery cement pylon teed at the edge of do-not-trespass territory. He crossed onto my property…I lost my balance and had to hop off the pylon, just as awkwardly as on the way up. Two points to Isaac. Not a good start to a dialogue with any Napoleonic character. "Dan, I'm reasonable…" RED ALERT! "You need to stop writing about me in your blog." SHIELDS UP! REVERSE THRUSTERS! FULL IMPULSE! I fought my natural urge to say something snarky, but I was secure in the knowledge that ignoring an angry person pisses them off more…two points to Dan for his double-edged disengagement strategy.

I made it to the bottom of the stairs before he let loose the salvo. "If you don't stop, I have grounds to appeal your well permit!" In retrospect, I have come to the realization that it takes a master tactician to dream up such an ingenious scheme. "Yes. Keep the boy from getting potable water. That will teach him a lesson! If he fights the appeal and wins, the E. coli will take him soon enough. If not, the chemicals leaking from my buildings will undoubtedly generate growth abnormalities. He'll be ostracized! Forced to leave!" Full disclosure: his sinister thoughts are usually voiced in my head by something resembling the progeny of Gollum from Lord of The Rings and Gilbert Gottfried…scary, no?

Ok-further divergence time. So the weblog…not only can it get you slapped with a trespass notice (if the issuing officer is politically aligned with a selectboard member…tragic career move by the way), but it can also create a well permit appeal? Hmm, can it make brownies for me? That would be really nice right about now. Really though, it sounds like a few people unable to take some accountability for their personal prejudices, and also severely lacking in a creative retaliatory process. Shall I taunt you a second time?

Sooooo…I head inside, completely flustered, forgetting entirely about my friend, who at this point is attempting to seek refuge in his car…which unfortunately for him is parked out back. When I eventually get around to peaking through the curtains, I see Isaac tormenting him through the glass, now spattered with Isaac's angry shout saliva. Yucky! I go back outside to find that Isaac has since grabbed my friend's door handle in an attempt to keep him from leaving. Lucky for Isaac, my friend is a mellow guy. He sat passively, humming 80's tunes in his head, completely ignoring Isaac until I remembered to retrieve him…at least he had the good sense to lock his doors.

So what's the fallout from this latest act of aggression towards truth, righteousness and the American way? Good question…we're waiting on a couple phone calls, but we'll get back to you as soon as they get back to us. So, as always…


Stay shiny Richmond...and read tomorrow's Seven Days! Big Wink.

5 comments:

  1. For the record, I was listening to Kool 105. I'm sure they were playing something ridiculous for the situation.

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  2. What's up with this Issac guy? I hope shooting fawns and baby bunnies this hunting season helps him relax - and will offset his salivating hobby of home harassment. This kid gets a trespassing notice - not the Cowan creep? Issac Coward....Issac the Terrible...when someone asks him his name he should pronounce it "I-Suck Cow-ard". Don't let the store die Dan. (but don't get killed defending it either!) God I hope this guy doesn't travel up to Grand Isle much. But I guess if he's staking out a young guy all the time - he's too busy. Good for us - but sad for the storekeeper. Stay strong and we hope Richmond is shiny today.

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  3. I "dig" your metaphoric title dude. Too bad this nasty neighbor of yours can get away with cul-de-sac-ing the floodplain with homes for his horde and fuel tanks (Hello EPA!)...and then won't allow a clean water source for a community center/village shop down the street.

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  4. Maybe you should issue a trespass citation on him. Sounds like this one would actually be warranted.

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  5. Seven Days!!!!!!!

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